Beside You
by LadyAshh
Summary: Castle's Point of View of When You're Gone. - COMPLETE


**A/N: This is kind of another perspective of When You're Gone, but from Castle's POV … Yes, dead Castle's POV. It would be good to read When You're Gone before you read this, although the things are pretty much the same, but just from Castle's POV…**

* * *

_When your tears are spent on your last pretence _

_And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense. _

_When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles _

_And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while._

* * *

**Five Days After:**

He watched her pick out the bottle of scotch from his collection and all he wanted to do was reach out and take it from her, he didn't want her to do this, resort to the bottle like her father did after his death, but he couldn't, he was dead. He could only watch as she sat heavily in his couch and down bottle after bottle. He knew Kate could take her alcohol well, but seeing her opening the fourth bottle couldn't help but worry him, she couldn't retreat to alcoholism.

He didn't even know why he was still here, he always thought after you die you crossed over to the other side and that was it, he didn't expect to still be here, but then again, he had never died before. Since that night they pronounced him dead, something had happened, he left his body. He could look down and see his body there on the hospital bed, he watched as Kate, Alexis, Lanie and his mother break down, he watched as Esposito, Ryan and Kate's dad try to be strong, he watched the doctors shut off the life support machine and he watched his heart monitor flat line, he watched himself die.

He didn't know this is what the afterlife would be like and he couldn't help but bring Jacob Marley to mind, although he wasn't fettered like Marley was, he wondered if the same was happening to him, if he was left to roam the earth doing good deeds until he could cross over or maybe he was still holding on to life and wouldn't give it up totally just yet.

He spent the days following her, watching her, so close to her, but he couldn't touch her, couldn't let her know he was here, couldn't move closer to her to take the bottle from her hand, could only watch as she threw the glass and it shattered on the floor. He thought he wasn't supposed to feel in the afterlife, but here he was feeling devastated watching his wife, now widowed, spiral into depression and it broke his still heart.

He watched as Alexis and his mother cam bursting through the door to save her from herself, he was glad if he had to leave her, she wasn't alone and he was glad she chose to stay and not force herself to be alone. She had Alexis and Martha and they would get through it together. He so badly wanted to hug them, join in their sorrow, let them know he was here, if only they could see or hear him.

He spent that night roaming in between their room and Alexis' room, she wasn't taking it well, as expected, he was all she had, all she knew, her mother hadn't even come to visit, thank God for Kate and Martha. She was tossing and turning in her bed, her red hair flying and tangling all over the place, she slept mumbling "No, please don't go" and "Dad, no" over and over again and he wracked his brain for something, anything to do to wake her up from her nightmare.

He reached out and pulled her covers over her, he couldn't touch her, or any of his loved ones, but he could touch things and he would take advantage of that. He was relieved when she stilled, tears still streaming down her face, but the mumbling stopped, he just hoped she would get through the night. He retrieved her stuffed monkey from the chair in the corner and tucked it in with her, immediately she wrapped her arms around it tight and a small smile appeared on her face. Maybe she would.

**Six Days After:**

He sat in the chair in the corner as she woke up, he sat there all night watching her sleep, she too was plagued with the never ending nightmares and it just broke his heart to watched her cry in her sleep, he just wanted to crawl in bed with her and hold her, but he couldn't and he hated whoever did this to him, to her, with every fibre of his being.

She was feeling around on the bed with a hopeful expression on her face, only having it drop after she realized the bed was empty and flopped back into the bed.

He could tell by the way she had dropped her head in her hands when she sat up that she was having a hangover. He used to force her to stay in bed whenever she had a hangover, although it was never often, only some nights that called for such celebrations. He would prepare a cup of coffee so good, she would be cured in no time, followed by breakfast in bed and then they would shower and go about their day, he wished he could do that for her now, soothe that vein pounding in her head, kiss away the tears that streamed down her face as she made her way to the bathroom.

He noticed his clothes from that morning still lay on the floor, everything he used was in the same place, she couldn't bear to move it he figured. He couldn't help but wonder what he would do if she was the one to leave him. He had come close to that many times and he couldn't imagine his life without her, he didn't know just what he would do, he wondered if Kate would be here watching him, like he was here watching her.

He realized shortly after, she returned from the bathroom and was talking to someone on the phone.

Lanie.

Good.

If there was anyone he knew who could get anything out of Kate was Lanie, he was glad she still had her, she couldn't hide from Lanie and Lanie would never let her become dependent on alcohol.

Lanie arrived at the door some time after with take out and Castle couldn't help but smile. The take out Lanie had gotten was Kate's favourite Chinese restaurant, he was pretty sure there were still some boxes in the fridge from when they had it the day before he died.

They were talking now. Lanie asking Kate how she's been, Kate lying. No surprise, but he knew by the look on Lanie's face, she wasn't buying it, but she wasn't going to push, Kate didn't need pushing now, she needed company.

"How are you doing Kate? Really?" He heard Lanie ask, taking her hand.

He sat himself in the chair across from them, waiting to hear her response. He knew how she had been, but he hadn't heard her admit to it or talk to anyone about it for that matter.

"This is hard Lanie. I can't do this."

"I know it's hard honey, but you'll get through it. You have before."

Her mom, of course death wouldn't leave the people Kate loved alone. First her mom and now him. Damn it, he just wished the world would leave her alone and let her be happy. How would she move on from this? Would she meet someone else to take her mind off of her mother and now him? He hoped not, because he was being selfish and wanted Kate to himself even after he was death, but maybe she should find someone else, she couldn't dwell on this forever, she had to move on somehow. He just hoped she wouldn't leave Alexis and his mother, regardless of how they never spoke about it, he knew they needed her and she needed them.

"Because of him. Who do I have now? … No offense."

"I understand. Listen, I know this hurts, but you have the rest of us, Alexis and Martha, you're not alone in this."

Thank God for Lanie, he thought to himself, always knowing what to say.

"I know, but it feels like I am. He was my everything Lanie."

And she was his everything and he never wanted to leave her. Damn it! Why couldn't he touch her?

"I can't handle this anymore, Lanie. Even when I'm working all I can do is think about him." She said softly.

"You're going to be okay Kate, I promise you." Lanie whispered.

She would be, she had to be. He would make sure of that somehow.

**Seven Days After:**

Seeing himself there on the cold slab was strange, it didn't even look like him anymore. He watched her, since that was all he could do, watched her as she sat by him, ducking her head and taking a deep breath, she was crying. He hated to see her cry, more importantly, he hated to be the reason of her tears.

"I hate you for this." She started, her breath shaking.

He would hate her too, for leaving him, he wouldn't know what to do with himself, he would never be the same if his everything were to leave him. He didn't know how She wanted to say something, something important, he could tell by the way she kept hesitating, or maybe that was because she was talking to a corpse.

"How could you leave me? Leave us Castle? How – "Her voice broke and she ducked her head.

He was sorry, sorry for leaving her, for leaving Alexis and his mother, for leaving Ryan and Esposito, everyone and he so wished he could go back, maybe if he left the meeting a little earlier or later, he would still be alive and she wouldn't have to be here, they would be happy together somewhere, probably solving a case, probably annoying her.

"I'm pregnant." She whispered, looking around the room, wondering if he was here, "six weeks."

What?

Did she just say?

Pregnant?

She was pregnant?

Kate Beckett was pregnant?

Had she moved on already? Slept with someone else and gotten pregnant? But wait, no, she said six weeks and it had just been seven days and his Kate wouldn't do that. He had been with her since he died, so she couldn't have, that must mean -

"Honestly, I thought if anyone would have died first it would have been me. At least you'd know what to do with a child." She laughed dryly.

She was six weeks pregnant, with his child. She was pregnant with his child and he was dead. He left he. There was no one he hated more than himself right now… except the person that took his life.

He would never be able to be with her through her pregnancy, he wouldn't be able to hold her hair when she had morning sickness, won't be able to run around her, hovering, being protective and effectively annoying her. He would never be able to hold his child, to look into their eyes for the first time, feel the pulse for the first time. He would never be able to help her raise their child. He had left her alone in this.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this Castle. I have no idea how to do this, I always thought you'd be here for this…but you're not. They won't know their father." She shook her head.

She reached out to hesitantly touch his hand, immediately withdrawing her hand and placing it in her lap.

Too cold, he assumed, not him, she needed him and he couldn't be there. He stood and made his way to the opposite side of the table, just wanting to be as close as possible to her, since he couldn't touch her, couldn't talk to her, maybe she would feel his presence, maybe that would be enough. Except, it wasn't.

"I thought you should know… before… you know." She said, "I can't believe you're making me bury you Castle. I can't believe it."

Right, he was being buried tomorrow. Would that be the end? He wondered to himself. Being buried, would that erase him forever? Would he be able to watch her, be with her no longer? He didn't want that, he wanted to stay, needed to be with her, make sure she was okay, make sure she felt his presence around her. He couldn't leave.

He watched as she stood, feeling afraid, fearing tomorrow.

"_I don't wanna go." _He said to himself.

"Goodbye Castle. I love you… We love you. Always."

Always. He would always love her too, even if he had to go, but he looked upwards, praying to the God he hadn't met yet that he didn't have to go, that he could live out their "Always" a little longer.

**Eight Days After:**

He was watching his own funeral. He didn't want to go. He watched from the trees as they walked up with his casket, placing it over the hole in the ground.

His attention shifted to Kate, who was surrounded by family and she was crying, although she had on her glasses, he could tell. He saw Kate embrace his daughter as she cried and he didn't think he could watch this anymore.

As Kate stood to give her eulogy, he felt tears at his eyes when her voice broke, when she couldn't finish and Ryan had to take over for her.

"I never thought I'd find love like this and I would give anything for him to still be here. He touched many lives and will continue to do so. He had the best family and I'm so glad to have a mother in law like Martha and a step-daughter like Alexis, he was the best father, son and husband and I love him dearly. This is going to be tough to get through, but we have each other, all of us and he wouldn't want us to suffer, he would want us to move on, but then again this is Castle and I'm sure he likes the spotlight…."

He couldn't help but laugh, he did love the spotlight, it's true, but then again, he never wanted to hurt anyone, so this spotlight wasn't for him. He would give up this spotlight for a chance to be with her again

"But not like this… not like this. Castle, we're all here today to say goodbye and that we love you. I love you. We'll never forget you. Please don't forget us."

Never. He would never forget them, these are the people that basically moulded his life, he was nothing without them. Forgetting them was not an option, he could never.

He loved them too much, every single one of them, forgetting them was not something he was capable of, wasn't something he wanted to be capable of.

The rest of the service went by and they finally stood to lower him into the ground. He hung his head, preparing to be taken away for good.

He watched as they crowded around the grave as he was lowered and buried, he was still here. Maybe it wasn't over, maybe he would remain here with Kate, maybe that was his destiny.

But as he tried to follow Kate and the rest of them home, he realized, he kept returning to his grave. He couldn't follow them anymore, he wasn't gone, but he couldn't leave where his body lay.

* * *

For the next month, he remained at his grave, waiting for Kate. He had many visitors since then. Fans, old friends, Alexis, his mom and more, but not Kate, never Kate.

He didn't know how he was doing, Alexis said she was okay, from what she knew, but she barely saw her anymore. He was worried, he didn't like not knowing, he needed to see her, needed to know she was okay before he was gone and from the pull he was beginning to feel, he knew he would be gone very soon.

So as he saw a cab pull up and Kate emerge, he couldn't be happier. She looked better, not so hollow, but maybe that was because she was pregnant. She wasn't showing, but he knew her, knew her body and he could see that tiny bump that was presenting itself, sign of a life they created, a life he would never know, a life that would never know him and that just broke him.

He watched her as she sat down in front of his grave, he moved over to her, if just to be close to her one last time.

"I quit the NYPD." She said, "I just couldn't do it without you."

"Morning sickness is a bitch," She laughed, "You should be here for this, hovering like you do, so I can take out all my hormonal anger and sadness on you."

Oh he wished he could have that pleasure, but would he even still be here for that? He doubted it, even if he was, he couldn't leave. He was missing out on one of the most important moments in their lives. He just wished she wasn't going to let herself do this on her own, that she would let others help her, than she wouldn't run.

She looked up towards the sky, he followed her gaze. She was looking at the bird, smiling as she saw them flying around and heard them chirping in the trees. He wondered why, but he would probably never know.

"I'm going away Castle, not forever, but for a while, New York just isn't the same anymore. I don't know where I'll go, but I've got to go." She placed her hand over his name on the headstone, "But I'll be back, I can't leave forever. I can't leave Martha and Alexis and I certainly can't leave you. I've got to stay where you are. I couldn't keep your mom and daughter away from this pregnancy either, I'm pretty sure they'd want to be around for it."

At least she wouldn't be alone and he was glad for that. She was leaving and maybe it was for the best she get out of here for a while, get a change of pace, escape the constant reminder of the death of her loved ones. She said she would come back and he believed her, New York was her home and he knew she wouldn't just leave. She was going to come back and get through her pregnancy with Alexis and his mother and their friends.

He wondered what their child would be like, would it be a girl or a boy? What would she name them? He wondered all the things he would probably never get an answer to.

He moved beside her, taking the risk, wrapping an arm around her. It felt so good to touch her again, to feel her relax under his touch, as if she knew he was there, maybe she could.

"I haven't told them yet, that's my next trip. Lanie, Ryan, Esposito and Gates know though."

"I'm sorry I haven't been here since we buried you, I just couldn't." She was crying again.

He understood, it was hard, although he wanted so badly to see her, he understood the pain it would take to visit his grave, but now that she was here and he knew he was going soon, he just wanted to hear her again, to see her again.

"But I'm here now, because I know you needed me to come. I needed me to come, to say goodbye and I love you. I love you so much Castle, please don't ever forget that."

He would never, he never wanted to. She was his everything and now he was at peace, he felt himself letting go, following the light as they say. This was it, that was what he needed and now he was going, but he wasn't sad. She would be okay, he would still watch her, but from another place.

She didn't know if she would hear him, but it didn't stop it as their word escaped from his lips as he watched her for the last time and finally went to be at peace.

"_Always."_

* * *

_If your heart wears thin I will hold you up _

_And I will hide you when it gets too much_

_I'll be right beside you_

_Nobody will break you._

* * *

**End A/N: Okay, that is officially the end of When You're Gone. Tell me what you think? Should I buy shares in Kleenex?**


End file.
